Sorry I haven't been writing, I was lucky enough to catch the flu at the hospital during my dialysis treatments. It has been a terrible week. I'm already constantly fatigued due to dialysis, and then to add the flu on top of that, I have been exhausted. I'm so angry I got the flu when I even got my flu vaccine months ago. That's just my kind of luck I suppose. I am feeling better, but I still have a bad headache and am constantly tired. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel better.

I've been really tired today, and haven't done anything at all. My family all thinks I'm depressed, and maybe they're right. I just don't feel full of energy and don't feel well enough to join in family activities. I just want to get better, and I hope that tomorrow I feel better enough to do simply things like cleaning.

I just don't understand how someone like me, who wants to help people, is being afflicted with this disease. I want to do so many things in medicine to help people who are sick and suffering, and yet I am afflicted with a disease that is preventing me from doing this. How can that be possible?

The doctors keep wanting to try to place another fistula in my arm. I understand the risk of infection with the catheter that I now have, but the fistula didn't work the first time. I don't really see a reason to place a permanent fistula in my arm, when dialysis isn't going to be permanent. I'm just doing this while waiting for a transplant. I'm not going to do it.

I was so tired from dialysis yesterday that I haven't done anything all day. I pretty much lay on the coach all day and watch movies, while I doze in and out. I am twenty one years old, there is no reason that I should have no energy. How am I supposed to have a life if I can't even stay awake? I don't want to do anything with my family, because I know I'll get too tired and have to sit down. My mom wants to go shopping and I know I can't, because I know I can't walk all day at the mall. This is horrible.

Well, nothing new to report. Dialysis sucks. I don't know how people do this. I'm not sure how long my family can arrange their schedules to go out of their way to take me to my treatments. I feel like I am putting a lot of responsibility on their shoulders, and I don't like that. I don't like to have to depend on other people. I don't know what to do, I'm just hoping for a transplant.

I still can't believe that there isn't a better method for dialysis than this. The insurance is a joke. I constantly have to have a social worker working hard so that my insurance will pay for this torture. I repeatedly receive bills saying I owe thousands of dollars. As if I don't already have enough to worry about, the insurance company is trying to get out of paying for my treatment. I just can't believe all of the red tape that goes along with all of this.

Today I arrived for dialysis and the nurses were very far behind. It took me three hours to get in, and then another 4 hours on the machine. This is insane. People who didn't show up for their earlier appointment got to go ahead of me, even though I was there on time and waiting extra. Not only is this frustrating for me, but for my family who takes me and picks me up. Its not that safe for me to drive myself, as sometimes my blood pressure is really low after my treatment. They often hold me over for that too. They shouldn't tell you it takes four hours, three days a week. They should just tell you that for three days a week, you have to devote yourself to the hospital and when they can get you in at their leisure.

This is horrible. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I cannot live the rest of my life like this. I have to get a kidney transplant. That's the only option. I'm tired everyday. Dialysis is like torture. I can't keep doing this for very long...

Today I thought that I'd be feeling better, and that I might go out shopping to treat myself for making it through day one. However, I am so exhausted that I cannot even get off of the couch. I'm out of breath and tired after walking to the bathroom. I can't believe this. I really thought this was all supposed to make me feel BETTER. I felt better before yesterday. I'm trying not to get too down, maybe it takes awhile before the proper effects can take place. I'm also upset with patients who think they will be cured after one day of taking their medicine. I don't want to be like that, so I'll just have to wait and give this some time. I have to go back tomorrow anyways. I'll just wait and hope that time will help this take effect.

Today I had my first round of dialysis. I was really nervous going into it. It's so mind numbingly boring! I have to sit there for four hours! Next time I'll be bringing a book to read. It didn't hurt, but the nurse got blood all over my shirt, and I didn't appreciate that. My mom took me, and they let her go back with me for the first part of it, since it was my first time. She won't be allowed to come back with me anymore though. Only the patients are allowed back, no family members. I can't believe how tired I am. I think I'll be going to bed extremely early tonight. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow. I wonder if I'll feel any different after a day of dialysis.

Today I still don't have much hope for my dialysis. I think I could really benefit from a vacation. Maybe a short trip somewhere to get away. The only problem is that soon I will have the catheter placed in my chest, and then I will begin my treatments. That means it would be difficult to travel anywhere, as I would have to make arrangements wherever I go to have dialysis treatments there. I feel like I am tied down, and my dreams of traveling have been taken away from me. I wanted to attend medical mission trips to other countries. I don't think this will be happening if I have to go to dialysis three times a week.