tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49854046516520669632024-03-13T10:42:40.954-07:00Phipps-dyingKristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-69562794740265924432008-04-14T16:05:00.000-07:002008-04-14T16:09:13.966-07:00I have no quality of life. All I am doing is surviving day to day. When I haven't become infected with the latest <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">opportunistic</span> infections, I'm too <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">exhausted</span> to do anything. I sleep through most of my day, and night. I'll have to endure many more years of this in hopes of receiving a kidney transplant. I've made up my mind that this is not worth living for. This sounds incredibly terrible, but if you lived a day in my shoes you would understand that I am not living at all. I simply do not want to be in pain anymore. I have always been a fighter, but I think it's time I learn when to throw in the towel.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-56080484077501638142008-04-13T20:14:00.001-07:002008-04-13T20:16:41.279-07:00I'm really pissed off that my doctor was stupid enough to give <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">time</span> too much of a medication that is excreted through the kidneys, that obviously don't work in my body. I've never been so out of my mind before. It was rather terrifying. I tend to wonder if people who do drugs experience anything <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">similar</span> to what I went through. If so, I have no idea why they would <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">continue</span> to use them.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-82037961900463928922008-04-12T14:02:00.000-07:002008-04-12T14:06:08.654-07:00Last night was horrible. My doctor gave me the same medicine used to treat herpes for my shingles. This is a typically treatment. The only problem is he gave me a dose well over what a patient should have when in renal failure. As a result, it sent me over the edge. I was completely delirious. At one point I even thought I was on a roller coaster ride that chopped off people's heads. My parents luckily got me to the hospital where I was dialyized to remove the toxic medication. This has been the scariest time of my life.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-23913988822414738872008-04-11T14:41:00.000-07:002008-04-11T14:44:01.273-07:00Today I woke up with horrible pain along the right side of my back. When I looked in the mirror there were red circles all over my back. I went to my doctor, and found out I have shingles. These are incredibly painful. My immune system is low due to all of the dialysis, which allows for all sorts of opportunistic infections to creep in. It takes months for these to heal. Until then I have to endure the pain.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-19003508674031259862008-04-09T18:12:00.000-07:002008-04-09T18:17:48.765-07:00Today I spoke with my kidney doctor. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Apparently</span> the type of kidney I need is the most rare type to match. I can't say I'm surprised, I haven't gotten one yet and people typically have received them by now. I just wish he would have told me this before. I became very angry at him when he told me this news. How can a doctor just <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">withhold</span> information like that from me? I think I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">entitled</span> to know the whole picture of my treatment outlook. I don't think <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">that's</span> asking too much. He said it could be a decade or more before a kidney would become available for me. I'm in such shock right now. Ten more years of dialysis. I don't know if I can do that.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-33971363511532937882008-04-07T18:16:00.000-07:002008-04-07T18:20:41.179-07:00Today is pretty much the same as everyday. I need a kidney and there isn't one available. I hate dialysis. I've decided that I cannot do this for the rest of my life if a kidney never becomes available. It's very strange though, trying to decide how long you should live. How does a person even begin to think about how long they should try to fight in order to survive? Is it even ok that I would make this decision? I don't want to die now, I'm so young. But I can't see me living to be a grandmother while continuing dialysis.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-36253456427589979962008-04-06T07:38:00.000-07:002008-04-06T07:47:29.847-07:00Today is a nice day. I think I'm going to sit outside in the sunshine and read a book. I think it might be good for me. I just want to do something to get my mind off of all these things that I've been contemplating lately.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-33571939552154725072008-04-05T12:25:00.000-07:002008-04-05T12:37:33.653-07:00I'm having a really hard time. I'm not sure if I'm being punished or not. I've never really gone to church or been religious, and my education in the medical field has deepened my scepticism. I'm not sure if things happen for a reason, or if we're floating around <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">accidentally</span> knocking into each other, or a combination of both. To me, stories from the bible seem as realistic as fairy tales. This is not to be interpreted that I am a mean and hateful person. I consider myself humble, loving, passionate, and empathetic. I believe in doing what is right, not what is easy. I consider keeping ones word very important. Being a good person and a contributor to society is very important to me. I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">genuinely</span> want to help others and do something worth wild. Does not believing in God make me deserve this?KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-32614382908993453482008-04-04T13:04:00.000-07:002008-04-04T13:07:36.639-07:00It's very bizarre to have a body with an organ that is failing. It feels like your body is rebelling against your desire to live. It's hard to describe. It's very strange to realize that your mind is separate from your body. I want to yell and scream at my body, tell it that it will not survive with it acting this way. Unfortunately my body seems to be deaf.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-80031957547397894132008-04-03T18:37:00.000-07:002008-04-03T18:40:08.705-07:00With dialysis and being sick I haven't been able to do much lately. I'm just now starting to feel better. I've made an appointment with my doctor to see if I'm going to be able to get a kidney transplant. I've been waiting for so long, and the dialysis has been <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">awful</span>. I haven't been able to do anything but sleep <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">in between</span> treatments. This is no way to live a life. I'm going to sit down and demand answers from him.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-13612528242180017922008-04-01T15:35:00.000-07:002008-04-01T15:38:02.547-07:00Well...still feel like crap. My doctor wasn't kidding when he said I was going to be sick for a long time. I thought a week was considered long, but today is one week and I'm still sick. I can't even explain how tired I am. I sleep all night, and even take a nap during the day and I'm still wiped out. How can someone be so tired? All I've done is sleep. Not to mention this constant headache. I feel like I walk around in a haze all day long. I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">beginning</span> to wonder where my immune system is.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-28936907595906832152008-03-30T11:14:00.000-07:002008-03-30T11:18:20.227-07:00Sorry I haven't been writing, I was lucky enough to catch the flu at the hospital during my dialysis treatments. It has been a terrible week. I'm already constantly fatigued due to dialysis, and then to add the flu on top of that, I have been <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">exhausted</span>. I'm so angry I got the flu when I even got my flu vaccine months ago. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">That's</span> just my kind of luck I suppose. I am feeling better, but I still have a bad headache and am constantly tired. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel better.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-61905540319241810092008-03-23T19:05:00.000-07:002008-03-23T19:07:20.085-07:00I've been really tired today, and haven't done anything at all. My family all thinks I'm depressed, and maybe they're right. I just don't feel full of energy and don't feel well enough to join in family activities. I just want to get better, and I hope that tomorrow I feel better enough to do simply things like cleaning.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-15517432235121696722008-03-22T07:13:00.000-07:002008-03-22T07:15:42.881-07:00I just don't understand how someone like me, who wants to help people, is being afflicted with this disease. I want to do so many things in medicine to help people who are sick and suffering, and yet I am afflicted with a disease that is preventing me from doing this. How can that be possible?KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-32193268242624789792008-03-21T15:55:00.000-07:002008-03-21T15:57:19.234-07:00The doctors keep wanting to try to place another fistula in my arm. I understand the risk of infection with the catheter that I now have, but the fistula didn't work the first time. I don't really see a reason to place a permanent fistula in my arm, when dialysis isn't going to be permanent. I'm just doing this while waiting for a transplant. I'm not going to do it.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-3187512817512914212008-03-19T13:28:00.000-07:002008-03-19T13:32:22.720-07:00I was so tired from dialysis yesterday that I haven't done anything all day. I pretty much lay on the coach all day and watch movies, while I doze in and out. I am twenty one years old, there is no reason that I should have no energy. How am I supposed to have a life if I can't even stay awake? I don't want to do anything with my family, because I know I'll get too tired and have to sit down. My mom wants to go shopping and I know I can't, because I know I can't walk all day at the mall. This is horrible.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-81383904771820634602008-03-18T12:38:00.000-07:002008-03-18T12:41:08.658-07:00Well, nothing new to report. Dialysis sucks. I don't know how people do this. I'm not sure how long my family can arrange their schedules to go out of their way to take me to my treatments. I feel like I am putting a lot of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">responsibility</span> on their shoulders, and I don't like that. I don't like to have to depend on other people. I don't know what to do, I'm just hoping for a transplant.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-67230013161151265772008-03-16T16:26:00.000-07:002008-03-16T16:31:13.106-07:00I still can't believe that there isn't a better method for dialysis than this. The insurance is a joke. I constantly have to have a social worker working hard so that my insurance will pay for this torture. I repeatedly receive bills saying I owe thousands of dollars. As if I don't already have enough to worry about, the insurance company is trying to get out of paying for my treatment. I just can't believe all of the red tape that goes along with all of this.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-54257411306196510052008-03-14T13:54:00.000-07:002008-03-14T13:58:36.000-07:00Today I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">arrived</span> for dialysis and the nurses were very far behind. It took me three hours to get in, and then another 4 hours on the machine. This is insane. People who didn't show up for their earlier appointment got to go ahead of me, even though I was there on time and waiting extra. Not only is this frustrating for me, but for my family who takes me and picks me up. Its not that safe for me to drive myself, as sometimes my blood pressure is really low after my treatment. They often hold me over for that too. They shouldn't tell you it takes four hours, three days a week. They should just tell you that for three days a week, you have to devote yourself to the hospital and when they can get you in at their leisure.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-82190630874988367602008-03-13T11:20:00.001-07:002008-03-13T11:23:37.683-07:00This is horrible. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I cannot live the rest of my life like this. I have to get a kidney transplant. That's the only option. I'm tired everyday. Dialysis is like <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">torture</span>. I can't keep doing this for very long...KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-30679856694270875932008-03-12T08:52:00.000-07:002008-03-12T08:58:04.240-07:00Today I thought that I'd be feeling better, and that I might go out shopping to treat myself for making it through day one. However, I am so exhausted that I cannot even get off of the couch. I'm out of breath and tired after walking to the bathroom. I can't believe this. I really thought this was all supposed to make me feel BETTER. I felt better before yesterday. I'm trying not to get too down, maybe it takes awhile before the proper effects can take place. I'm also upset with patients who think they will be cured after one day of taking their medicine. I don't want to be like that, so I'll just have to wait and give this some time. I have to go back tomorrow anyways. I'll just wait and hope that time will help this take effect.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-82499903832199503952008-03-11T18:37:00.000-07:002008-03-11T18:41:40.722-07:00Today I had my first round of dialysis. I was really nervous going into it. It's so mind numbingly boring! I have to sit there for four hours! Next time I'll be bringing a book to read. It didn't hurt, but the nurse got blood all over my shirt, and I didn't appreciate that. My mom took me, and they let her go back with me for the first part of it, since it was my first time. She won't be allowed to come back with me anymore though. Only the patients are allowed back, no family members. I can't believe how tired I am. I think I'll be going to bed extremely early tonight. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow. I wonder if I'll feel any different after a day of dialysis.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-39483378068073854492008-03-02T13:10:00.000-08:002008-03-02T13:14:27.728-08:00Today I still don't have much hope for my dialysis. I think I could really benefit from a vacation. Maybe a short trip somewhere to get away. The only problem is that soon I will have the catheter placed in my chest, and then I will begin my treatments. That means it would be difficult to travel anywhere, as I would have to make arrangements wherever I go to have <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">dialysis</span> treatments there. I feel like I am tied down, and my dreams of traveling have been taken away from me. I wanted to attend medical mission trips to other countries. I don't think this will be happening if I have to go to dialysis three times a week.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-39993893856436409532008-02-29T14:56:00.000-08:002008-02-29T15:00:43.419-08:00My dialysis port is being scheduled to be placed next week. I still can't believe this fistula doesn't work. My parents are getting pretty upset as well. I'm not really even sure how I'm supposed to feel about all of this. I just feel like my body is rejecting me. First my kidneys fail, and now the fistula doesn't work either. It's like my body doesn't want to be helped. I'm sure when I get this port I will get an infection as well, and become septic.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4985404651652066963.post-16061838805931752942008-02-28T19:31:00.000-08:002008-02-28T19:38:41.951-08:00Well...I received some really disappointing news today. Remember the fistula that they placed in my arm, the one that I've been waiting over four weeks to heal so that I could start dialysis treatments? Apparently it didn't work. I guess I don't have the best vascular system either. The next plan of action is to insert a catheter into my subclavian artery or vein and have a little port like system. I'll have the ends that connect to the machine poking out of my chest. It's normally used for emergency dialysis. I didn't even get a chance to discuss donor options. I was so overwhelmed by this news, and the doctors warnings about the risk for infection. Due to this risk they want to try to make a fistula in my other arm! This is beginning to get a little ridiculous.KristinP-dyinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12502632342061041332noreply@blogger.com0