I have no quality of life. All I am doing is surviving day to day. When I haven't become infected with the latest opportunistic infections, I'm too exhausted to do anything. I sleep through most of my day, and night. I'll have to endure many more years of this in hopes of receiving a kidney transplant. I've made up my mind that this is not worth living for. This sounds incredibly terrible, but if you lived a day in my shoes you would understand that I am not living at all. I simply do not want to be in pain anymore. I have always been a fighter, but I think it's time I learn when to throw in the towel.

I'm really pissed off that my doctor was stupid enough to give time too much of a medication that is excreted through the kidneys, that obviously don't work in my body. I've never been so out of my mind before. It was rather terrifying. I tend to wonder if people who do drugs experience anything similar to what I went through. If so, I have no idea why they would continue to use them.

Last night was horrible. My doctor gave me the same medicine used to treat herpes for my shingles. This is a typically treatment. The only problem is he gave me a dose well over what a patient should have when in renal failure. As a result, it sent me over the edge. I was completely delirious. At one point I even thought I was on a roller coaster ride that chopped off people's heads. My parents luckily got me to the hospital where I was dialyized to remove the toxic medication. This has been the scariest time of my life.

Today I woke up with horrible pain along the right side of my back. When I looked in the mirror there were red circles all over my back. I went to my doctor, and found out I have shingles. These are incredibly painful. My immune system is low due to all of the dialysis, which allows for all sorts of opportunistic infections to creep in. It takes months for these to heal. Until then I have to endure the pain.

Today I spoke with my kidney doctor. Apparently the type of kidney I need is the most rare type to match. I can't say I'm surprised, I haven't gotten one yet and people typically have received them by now. I just wish he would have told me this before. I became very angry at him when he told me this news. How can a doctor just withhold information like that from me? I think I'm entitled to know the whole picture of my treatment outlook. I don't think that's asking too much. He said it could be a decade or more before a kidney would become available for me. I'm in such shock right now. Ten more years of dialysis. I don't know if I can do that.

Today is pretty much the same as everyday. I need a kidney and there isn't one available. I hate dialysis. I've decided that I cannot do this for the rest of my life if a kidney never becomes available. It's very strange though, trying to decide how long you should live. How does a person even begin to think about how long they should try to fight in order to survive? Is it even ok that I would make this decision? I don't want to die now, I'm so young. But I can't see me living to be a grandmother while continuing dialysis.

Today is a nice day. I think I'm going to sit outside in the sunshine and read a book. I think it might be good for me. I just want to do something to get my mind off of all these things that I've been contemplating lately.