Today I seem more confused than ever. I think the support group just stirred everything up in my head. I was content not to deal with it right away, but now I feel that I must examine a few things. Mostly I'm concerned with why this has happened to me. I can't seem to come up with a satisfactory answer. I've never been that religious, so its not that I'm blaming God. Mostly I just don't feel that I deserve any of this. How can I get this disease when I have set out on a mission to help people. I want to do good things, and help care for the sick. I want to save lives. How is that someone who wants to help society is being removed from it. I'm going to have to devote just as much time to nursing as I will to my dialysis. Is this a challenge simply to see how bad I want to be a nurse? Why is it that all the horrible people you see on tv that have committed violent crimes are all healthy? Why aren't they the ones to develop this disease. Maybe going to dialysis treatments would give them something to do, instead of committing crime.