My dialysis port is being scheduled to be placed next week. I still can't believe this fistula doesn't work. My parents are getting pretty upset as well. I'm not really even sure how I'm supposed to feel about all of this. I just feel like my body is rejecting me. First my kidneys fail, and now the fistula doesn't work either. It's like my body doesn't want to be helped. I'm sure when I get this port I will get an infection as well, and become septic.

Well...I received some really disappointing news today. Remember the fistula that they placed in my arm, the one that I've been waiting over four weeks to heal so that I could start dialysis treatments? Apparently it didn't work. I guess I don't have the best vascular system either. The next plan of action is to insert a catheter into my subclavian artery or vein and have a little port like system. I'll have the ends that connect to the machine poking out of my chest. It's normally used for emergency dialysis. I didn't even get a chance to discuss donor options. I was so overwhelmed by this news, and the doctors warnings about the risk for infection. Due to this risk they want to try to make a fistula in my other arm! This is beginning to get a little ridiculous.

I'm supposed to see my doctor tomorrow in order to evaluate the effectiveness of my fistula. I am hoping to also discuss donor options extensively with him. Hopefully I'll be able to get a kidney transplant soon and won't have to endure much of the dialysis. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to fit dialysis into my busy schedule, but I suppose I don't have a choice.

This weekend I spent some time with my family. I told myself to suck it up and get on with life. I tried to be cheerful, but mostly I still wasn't myself. I find myself constantly daydreaming, and I even feel like a bunch of things are happening around me, and I'm just watching them. It feels like I'm watching a movie, except it is really happening. Of course my family notices how out of touch I've become. They think that making lame jokes will snap me out of my haze. This just makes me want to be alone even more.

I pretty much feel the same way as yesterday...lost. I feel like there should be a doctor or nurse here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. However, that is not the case. I am on my own in this. I would have to be hospitalized to have that kind of attention. Everyone around me is scared. I'm scared and seeing my families worried faces doesn't help any. I'm supposed to be the scared one, and they're the ones that are supposed to stand by me and give me support. This whole time I have felt like it is I that have been supporting my family. I was so afraid to let them know I'm terrified, that I haven't been able to deal with any of this myself.

Today I seem more confused than ever. I think the support group just stirred everything up in my head. I was content not to deal with it right away, but now I feel that I must examine a few things. Mostly I'm concerned with why this has happened to me. I can't seem to come up with a satisfactory answer. I've never been that religious, so its not that I'm blaming God. Mostly I just don't feel that I deserve any of this. How can I get this disease when I have set out on a mission to help people. I want to do good things, and help care for the sick. I want to save lives. How is that someone who wants to help society is being removed from it. I'm going to have to devote just as much time to nursing as I will to my dialysis. Is this a challenge simply to see how bad I want to be a nurse? Why is it that all the horrible people you see on tv that have committed violent crimes are all healthy? Why aren't they the ones to develop this disease. Maybe going to dialysis treatments would give them something to do, instead of committing crime.

I attended the support group today. It was amazing to see how many people in this area have kidney failure. It was rather shocking. It was also very strange. Most of the people developed kidney failure due to diabetes or hypertension. One person didn't even know they had hypertension until they found out their kidneys were failing. I can't believe that in this day in age of modern medicine that people are suffering like this. Why isn't there better screening for things like this? Why didn't my doctor suggest I have my blood pressure taken on a daily basis? All of this would have been avioded if he would have ran more tests. Just because I'm young doesn't mean that I'm perfectly healthy. I don't understand why any of this is happening to me.

I've located a support group in kettering. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. It is a support group for people like me, and their families. I'm not expecting my dad to have any interest in this at all. My mom would probably like to come though. I'm sure she would love to ask questions about what to expect. I'm not sure I want her to come though. This could be my one place to be me, without people interrogating me and watching me. I might actually fit in with these people. I think I'm going to check it out.

Today I starting to wonder if I can find someone to talk to that is going through the same thing as me. I'm thinking of finding a support group or something. I don't know though, I guess I feel kind of silly. It would be nice to speak with someone who is going through the same thing. They might even have a few pointers on what to expect, or how I should proceed with treatment. I'm going to try to find one listed in dayton. I think it might help me. I know my family wants to help, but it is hard for me to always talk to them about what is going on. I think half the time they don't even understand what the kidneys do. I'm sure there is a group out there. They have support groups for everything these days.

Today I'm not feeling so well. I'm really tired and just don't feel like myself. I'm trying to get as much rest as I can, but when I don't stay busy I tend to start thinking about the worst things imaginable. I really wish I could get rid of my imagination. It tends to get carried away. Mostly I just want something to happen. I don't know if I'm going to get better, but I'd like to just know right now. I have not knowing. It would be easier to deal with if I knew right up front that I wasn't going to make it through this.

Today has been a pretty good day. I've seen a lot of my friends lately. They are all interested in whats going on with me. It was nice to talk to them about it. I'd rather talk to them, instead of my family. All of my family seems to watch me like a hawk, as if they can see my kidneys if they stare at me long enough. My friends provide me with another outlet with fresh ideas. I think they are a little more objective. My family means well, but right now they're driving me crazy.

Today someone asked me how I was doing and I responded with, "I'm fine." I guess it caught me off gaurd. I'm not sure where that came from. How can I be fine? With all of this wait and see stuff, I feel like I'm starting to deny that anything is happening. I'm not sure that I even want to change that. It is better to feel like everything is "fine" like before.

I'm still not sure whether or not this fistula is going to be functional. I guess they won't really know until it heals more. I'm just trying not to worry about it. It's hard to forget about it when I have to wear a glove on my hand around the house just to keep it warm. I've been in pretty good mood lately. Better than I've been in a while. I even had lunch with an old friend from high school. I'm trying to still live my life, but its hard not to think about it all the time.

Today I’m not so groggy from the procedure. Unfortunately, I am afraid that it was unsuccessful. My right hand is cool to the touch, and my pulse is weak. I was told that I would have a decreased blood flow to my hand, so I’m not sure if these signs are alarming or if they are what is to be expected. I’m trying to remain hopeful, but in my gut I feel like this is a bad sign. I’m not telling my parents, for it will just give them something else to worry about. Hopefully I’ll be wrong, and it will work just fine.

I had my fistula placed today. I guess I was more worried than I thought about it. It’s scary being rolled into the operating room and laying on the table. All of these people in masks, and all of this crazy equipment, it’s overwhelming. And to think that you are going to be knocked out and these people can do whatever they want to you. Anyways, the fistula was placed in my right arm. The vascular surgeon had a hard time with my veins. Apparently they aren’t up to par. They don’t even know if this will work, but they said they felt confident that it will. It has to heal for about six-eight weeks before I can even be on dialysis. Seems like an awful long time.

I am so fed up with this. I can't believe that this is my life. I'm supposed to have my fistula placed tomorrow. My family is going to be there with me. It's a same day procedure, so it's not too serious. My brother is going to be there, even though he hates being in hospitals. That means a lot to me. It really sucks going through this. I don't have diabetes, what did I do to deserve this? I don't know anyone my age who has to go through this, if they are, they probably have diabetes. This whole mess just seems so unfair.

I really feel like I have no control over what is going on. The doctor said that I have to go on dialysis while I wait for a kidney transplant. A kidney could be ready today, or never. It's all a very complicated system, and its very confusing. I just hope everything works quickly. I'm very impatient. I am not very good at waiting on things.

Today I've been setting up a date to have my fistula placed in my arm. The only surgery I've ever had was when I had my nose cauterized when I was in the third grade. I'm a little nervous, even though it will be a same day surgery. I'm trying to decide where I should have it done. My doctor practices at both Miami Valley, and Kettering hospital. I think I'm going to go with Kettering since I'm a student here. I guess I figure they will be extra nice to me when my family tells them I'm a nursing student here. I really miss talking to my parents. I miss the way it used to be. I feel like they look at me differently now. Now I'm this person they have to constantly watch over. They're afraid of what to say to me, thinking they might hurt my feelings.

Right now I'm getting ready to go to work all night. I figured if I keep myself busy doing something I like, I might be able to forget about all of this. I find it is worst when I'm not busy; it's then that my mind starts to race. Your imagination is you worst enemy. It seems to thrive off of coming up with the worst case scenarios. I just hope I'm able to care for the patients properly tonight, and I'm not too distant.

Today I did nothing but lay in bed all day. At first I thought about all of the things that I needed to do, but then I realized that none of those things matter to me anymore. I just curled up in a ball, and turned off my phone. Right now I just don't want to have to deal with anything.